American Squirm

BILL COSBY HAS A NEW ROUTINE

Bill Cosby speaks out for the first time from prison as he compares himself to Nelson Mandela and Gandhi and says is a 'political prisoner' put in jail for 'trying to humanize all races, genders and religions'

delusional rapist says what?

HEY DESI ARNAZ! WHY ALL THE DUMBFOUNDED LOOKS?

One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes.

-DA

HEY JAMIE OLIVER! I'VE GOT BURGERS ON THE GRILL AND I JUST HEARD ELLEN PAGE AND MILEY CYRUS ARE COMING OVER! WHAT SHOULD I SAY?

Stop being a vegan and start enjoying what you eat.

-JO

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HEY JON STEWART! HOW WAS YOUR HOLIDAY?

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

-JS

GENE WILDER

I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while.

-GW

ANDY KAUFMAN

There's no way to describe what I do. It's just me. 

AK

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OGDEN NASH

 

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?

-ON

MARK TWAIN

New Year's Day: now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual . . . New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls, and humbug resolutions.

-MT

DAVID LETTERMAN

 

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

 

-DL 

HEY MICHAEL PALIN! GOT ANY FOND MEMORIES OF MONTY PYTHON?

A lot of Python was crap, it really was. 

-MP

RICHARD BELZER - ON LONGEVITY

I've known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny!

-RB

JEAN SHEPHERD

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CHRIS ELLIOTT, PEST

Somehow, by just continually pestering the general public by appearing on television, they accepted me and wanted more.

-CE

more like this

GEORGE CARLIN

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

-GC

ERIC IDLE

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.

-EI

CARL HIAASEN

The Florida in my novels is not as seedy as the real Florida. It's hard to stay ahead of the curve. Every time I write a scene that I think is the sickest thing I have ever dreamed up, it is surpassed by something that happens in real life.

-CH

DR. SUESS

Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.

-DS

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DESI ARNAZ

 

One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes.

 

-DA

WILL ROGERS

There is no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

-WR

PETER DE VRIES

My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.

-PD 

ALAN SHERMAN

 

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS - ON BIG CITIES

New York is nice, but I don't like it as much as I used to.

L.A. I could live without.

-JLD

GRAHAM CHAPMAN

There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount.

-GC 

CHARLES ADDAMS

Look at her -- I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way -- what bliss.

-CA

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JANE AUSTEN - ON THE MEANING OF LIFE

For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors and laugh at them in our turn?

-JA

J.PAUL GETTY

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.

-JPG

GENO SMITH

I've shown flashes of being a Pro Bowl-caliber quarterback.

-GS

criminy

ABBIE HOFFMAN - ON THE GOOD OLD DAYS

The '60s are gone, dope will never be as cheap, sex never as free, and the rock and roll never as great.

-AH

CLARENCE DAY

If your parents didn't have any children, there's a good chance that you won't have any. 

-CD

ERIC KESTER

Anytime you wake up at 7:00 a.m. and have to whip out your dick in front of a guy with a mustache, you know it's going to be a bad day.

-EK

page 179

PETER SELLERS

Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this.

-PS

BOB NEWHART

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

-BN

MARTIN MULL

 

It's hard to decide if TV makes morons out of everyone, or if it mirrors Americans who really are morons to begin with.
 

-MM

GARY LARSON

On Career Day in high school, you don't walk around looking for the cartoon guy.

-GL

STEVE MARTIN - ON DEALBREAKERS

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

-SM

ROBIN WILLIAMS

 

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

 

-RW
 

DAVID SPADE

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.

-DS

ALBERT BROOKS

 

I don't want to be the one to break it to you, but the future ain't that funny.

 

-AB

JOE FLAHERTY

 

PRINCE PHILIP

After being told that Madonna was singing the Die Another Day theme in 2002: “Are we going to need ear plugs?”

To a car park attendant who didn’t recognise him in 1997, he snapped: “You bloody silly fool!”

To Simon Kelner, republican editor of The Independent, at Windsor Castle reception: “What are you doing here?” “I was invited, sir.” Philip: “Well, you didn’t have to come.”

To female sea cadet last year: “Do you work in a strip club?”

To expats in Abu Dhabi last year: “Are you running away from something?”

After accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991: “Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species.”

At a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965, he said: “Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?’”

To multi-ethnic Britain’s Got Talent 2009 winners Diversity: “Are you all one family?”

To President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, 2003: “You look like you’re ready for bed!”

His description of Beijing, during a visit there in 1986: “Ghastly.”

At Hertfordshire University, 2003: “During the Blitz, a lot of shops had their windows blown in and put up notices saying, ‘More open than usual’. I now declare this place more open than usual.”

To deaf children by steel band, 2000: “Deaf? If you’re near there, no wonder you are deaf.”

To a tourist in Budapest in 1993: “You can’t have been here long, you haven’t got a pot belly.”

To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea, 1998: “You managed not to get eaten then?”

many more here
 

SPALDING GRAY - ON PLAYING TO ONE'S STRENGTHS

Skiing is better than sex actually, because for me a good round of sex might be seven minutes. Skiing you can do for seven hours.

-SG

SARAGH MILLICAN

My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.

-SM

AL FRANKEN

For 35 years, I was a writer. I wrote a lot of jokes. Some of them weren't funny. Some of them weren't appropriate. Some of them were downright offensive. I understand that.

-AF

TOM LEHRER

But although I detest/Learning poems and the rest/Of the things one must know to have ‘culture,’/While each of my teachers/Makes speeches like preachers/And preys on my faults like a vulture,/I will leave movie thrillers/And watch caterpillars/Get born and pupated and larva’ed,/And I’ll work like a slave/And always behave/And maybe I’ll get into Harvard,

-TL

MARK TWAIN - ON GEORGE WASHINGTON

George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.

-MT

ERIC IDLE

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.

-EI

 

WANDA SYKES

Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.

-WS

WILL ROGERS

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

-WR

BERNADETTE PETERS

I don't smoke, I don't drink much, I don't eat red meat. I stay out of the sun.

-BP

AMY SCHUMER

The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.

-AS