American Squirm

HEY, JIM HARBAUGH! WHY DO YOU ADVISE PEOPLE NOT TO EAT CHICKEN?

Because it’s a nervous bird.

-JH

(Harbaugh thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork. And he believes it, 100 percent.)

I'd be nervous, too.

 

 

PSA - THIS TASTES LIKE LIQUID DIRT

GAG ME WITH A NUTCRACKER

Starting on Monday, March 26, Red Lobster rolled out a daring new menu item that has inspired unrest, enthusiasm, and uncertainty across the country.

The dish, Fried Lobster and Cheddar Bay Biscuit Waffles, is exactly what it sounds like: a waffle made of their cult-beloved Cheddar Bay biscuit mix, topped with a massive fried lobster tail, all drizzled in maple syrup (and served with side maple syrup, just in case.)

I guess it would be good if you want to eat breakfast and dinner at the same time. 

HEY SHOP RITE! STOP GASLIGHTING COLOR BLIND PEOPLE!

HEY MARIACARLA BOSCONO! FORGET THE CHEESE! HOW ARE YOU ON FRIED MUSKRAT? AND WHAT'S WITH THE GOOFY BOLERO HAT?

I will eat everything. Cheese. Mac and cheese. Anything and cheese. I love that stuff.

-MB

SAD NEWS FROM SOUTH JERSEY

We learned with some sadness earlier this month that Salem County's iconic muskrat dinner, a Lower Alloways Creek Township staple for close to 80 years, would not be held in 2018. Organizers cite a shortage of volunteers, as well as a scarcity of muskrat meat to deep-fry.

Now what the heck am I supposed to do for victuals on Saturday

HEY ADRIAN HIGGINS! WHERE THE HECK DO YOU GET YOUR FOOD?

I buy my groceries from one store, a foodie emporium with quality victuals, no piped music and aisles relatively free of clutter, though it is backsliding on the last score. 

-AH

an heirloom apple a day keeps the large multinational biotechnology corporations away

 

 

GAG ME WITH A SPOON

I CAN DIE HAPPY

You can now have sushi delivered by a drone

In Reykjavik, Iceland — a city divided by inlets and waterways — traditional delivery by vehicle isn’t necessarily the quickest way to satisfy your cravings. These unique conditions, and the increasing demand for food that can be ordered online, have inspired one company to map out a drone delivery route.

Flytrex — an Israeli drone logistics company — claims  to be the “first ever drone delivery system deployed in an urban environment.”

here

IN DREAMS BEGIN RESPONSIBILITIES

THE QUESALUPA:

"Having this fabulous taco with melty cheese in every single bite was something we started dreaming about 10 years ago,” Matthews says. After a decade-long journey of dairy and failure and resolve, that dream eventually became the Quesalupa, a taco served in a cheese-stuffed fried shell whose 2016 arrival was heralded by a Super Bowl ad featuring a cackling George Takei.

-Liz Matthews, chief innovation officer, Taco Bell

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CHEESE EATERS:

welcome to my nightmare

HEY MICHAEL RUHLMAN! GOT ANY BREAKFAST SUGGESTIONS?

Steel-cut oats, not cooked but rather soaked overnight with a dash of vinegar. I add whole-fat Greek yogurt and some nuts if I have them — it’s a satisfying small dish.

I had a delicious dish of lentils and a small amount of basmati rice, a preparation called kitchari, at the new vegetarian restaurant abcV in Manhattan, the other morning, and my companion had congee made with black rice and millet, in a seaweed and mushroom broth.

-MR

gag me with a spork

DAMN. I HAD PLANNED ON BUYING SOME, THEN COOKING AND EATING IT.

HEY REBECCA HALL! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE GO OVER TO YOUR PLACE FOR SOME GRUB?

Lentil dhal is the only thing I can cook.

-RH

LIFE IN HELL

 

HEY BECKY KRYSTAL! I'M IN D.C. I'M FLUSH AND I'M HUNGRY! HOW SHOULD I PROCEED?

There is a ham sandwich served at Mirabelle, a new restaurant near the White House, and it costs $26.

Diners with deep pockets have been clamoring for seats at Pineapple and Pearls or Minibar, where the tasting menus are close to $300, and paying $60 for steak or $9 for coffee.

pony up

HEY EDWARD WHITE! WHAT WAS IT LIKE GOING OVER TO POPE LEO'S FOR SOME GRUB?

Cardinals arrived with courtesans in tow; young naked men emerged from giant puddings; nobody rose the following morning without a sore head. 

A Venetian ambassador recorded a sixty-course meal that featured monkey brains, parrot tongues, Turkish fish and wines and fruits from all across the Mediterranean.

More astonishing was Leo’s supposed rock-star insistence that all the empty silverware be tossed out the window at the end of each course.

soup's on

SENSORY SPECIFIC SATIETY

Sensory-specific satiety is a sensory hedonic phenomenon that refers to the declining satisfaction generated by the consumption of a certain type of food, and the consequent renewal in appetite resulting from the exposure to a new flavor or food.

TRENCHERS

During the Middle Ages in Europe, thick slabs of coarse and usually stale bread, called "trenchers, were used as plates. After a meal, the food-soaked trencher was fed to a dog, or to beggars.

LIVERMUSH

Livermush is a Southern United States food product composed of pig liver, head parts, and corn meal.

HEY WILLIAM DERESIEWICZ! HOW COME YOU SKIPPED OUR GET TOGETHER AT THE RISOTTO HOUSE LAST NIGHT?

A good risotto is a fine thing, but it isn’t going to give you insight into other people, allow you to see the world in a new way, or force you to take an inventory of your soul.

-WD

exactly what is risotto, anyway?

HEY ANDREW WHITE! WHAT WILL CHEF MATT ADBOO BE SERVING DOWN AT THAT NEW PIG BLEECKER JOINT?

PIG MAN:

He’ll be serving ravioli filled with smoked brisket in red-wine sauce and truffle butter, silky cod cheeks with crispy country ham and vinegar peppers, smoked duck confit with a sweet-and-sour glaze, a tomahawk chop and that must-have at cocktail events, pigs in blankets.

-AW

I'm off cod cheeks, after that incident in Red Hook last year 

I ALWAYS SAID THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU

Michael James Delligatti, Creator of the Big Mac, Dies at 98

Jim Delligatti, the McDonald’s franchise owner who invented the Big Mac, died on Monday at his home in Fox Chapel, Pa. He was 98. The death was confirmed by his son Michael.

MY COUSIN ELMER OFFERED HER $35 AND A MESS OF BEANS, BUT SHE TURNED HIM DOWN FLAT

Ohio woman accused of soliciting sex in exchange for nachos and cash 

A hungry and broke Ohio woman was arrested Monday for soliciting sex in exchange for nachos and a lump of cash.

Officers said they discovered Crystal D. Hotlosz, 36, of Clairsville, on the website YoungstownBackpage.com, which she was using to bargain “$60 and nachos” to individuals looking for sex acts, according to the police report.

According to police, the woman was “very adamant about getting the nachos,” and asked the officer several times if he had them, as well as any cash.

just a matter of taste

ELMER:

HEY PETE WELLS! CAN YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON TO EAT AT THAT NEW RESTAURANT, LE COUCOU?

Le Coucou’s cooking is more informed by old-school traditions and focused on animal parts, like the bands of fried tripe, crunchy on the outside and wonderfully creamy within.

-PW

Hey restaurants! If you offer organs, offal, or other offputting outliers, Pete Wells is all in.

IGOR STRAMINSKY

 

 

See these fresh oranges? They don't grow on trees, you know.

HEY MIMI ELASHIRY! WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE LEGION POTLUCK TOMORROW NIGHT?

A big dish of quinoa and then I’ll make half of it into a salad with kale and sweet potato, dried apricots and macadamias and some other stuff.

-ME

HEY PADMA LAKSHMI! WHAT SAY WE MAKE ONE OF THOSE SEX VIDEOS? GOT ANY IDEAS?

I think eating in itself is the act of great sensuality, so all you have to do is point the camera in the right direction.

-PL

ANOTHER REASON NEVER TO LEAVE THE HOUSE

Walmart is Now Selling Hostess Deep-Fried Twinkies

Deep-fried Twinkies will be sold in the freezer aisle at Walmart starting today, reports ABC News.

The frozen treat comes in either “original golden” (vanilla) or chocolate for a $4.76 box of seven. The deep-fried original golden version has 9 grams of fat and 220 calories, almost doubling to the regular version with four grams of fat and 130 calories. To eat the deep-fried Twinkie, you just need to pop it in the oven or fry it because they’ve already been battered and partially fried before freezing.

jumping jesus christ

I WILL USE IT TO WASH DOWN MY NAKED MOLE RAT SANDWICH

Drink up: Cockroach milk is the protein drink you didn't know you've been missing

A little cockroach milk with those cookies? Chock full of protein, the insect milk may someday be transformed into a food supplement worthy of human consumption, new research indicates.

drink up

HEY WALT WHITMAN! WHAT SHOULD A HEARTY FELLOW SUCH AS MYSELF HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?

Usually breakfast. for a hearty man, might consist of a plate of fresh rare lean meat, without fat or gravy, a slice or chunk of bread, and, if desired, a cup of tea.

-WW

HEY SUKI KIM! HOW WAS THE GRUB OVER THERE IN PUST UNIVERSITY?

The cafeteria food consisted mostly of marinated vegetables, and I hardly touched the meat, which was served very rarely. I was not much of a meat eater and was also suspicious that it might be dog meat, which had been served once over the summer.

-SK

page 184

MY COUSIN-IN-LAW GEORGETTE IS FIXIN TO SUE THEM AS DISCRIMINATORY

Japan's first 'naked restaurant' set to open... but fat diners will be banned

 

Japan's first 'naked restaurant' opens in Tokyo next month with draconian rules of entry - podgy prospective diners will be weighed and ejected if found to be too fat.

strap on the feed bag

HEY RICHARD GRANT! HOW'S THE EATING DOWN THERE IN THE DELTA?

We'd developed a taste for the bullfrogs you could grab out of the swamp at night or spear with a trident-like gig.

-RG

page 277

HEY! YOU LOOK DANGED FAMILIAR. DO I KNOW YOU?

My name is Joe Biden and I love ice cream. You all think I’m kidding—I’m not. I eat more ice cream than three other people you’d like to be with, all at once.

-JB

SUPERANNUATED HACK BREAKS FORTY YEAR STREAK OF MALICIOUS FOOLISHNESS, ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE FOR ONCE

 

Nothing says “It’s morning in an America that is back and standing tall” quite like beer cans festooned with Americana byAnheuser-Busch InBev, a firm based in Leuven, Belgium, and run by a Brazilian.

-George Will

here

HEY BECKY COOPER! DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TELL YOU NOT TO BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW?

At Okonomi, a twelve-seat haiku of a restaurant in Williamsburg, you’re doing more than eating the chef Yuji Haraguchi’s food; you’re eating his philosophy....

-BC

here

THIS IS THE NEWS MY COUSIN ERASMUS HAS BEEN WAITING FOR

 How to Make Yogurt at Home

Of all the do-it-yourself projects I wanted to try, homemade yogurt was not at the top of the list. After all, it’s a lot easier to find a decent yogurt on the market than it is to track down, say, preserved lemons or cabbage-freekimchi.

But then I fell in love with a whole-milk yogurt that was so smooth, thick and milky tasting that it blew away anything I’d had before. Naturally, it was made by a Brooklyn artisan, it cost a fortune, and it was in such high demand that the fancy shop where it was sold was often out of stock.

So I decided to try making my own.

all the news

HEY CHRISTINA RICCI! WHAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING YOU'VE EVER DONE?

I once ate McDonald's three times in one day.

-CR

HEY SAMUEL JOHNSON! WHAT THE HECK SHOULD I DO WITH THIS LONG GREEN THING?

It has been a common saying of physicians in England, that a cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing.

-SJ

HEY CHRISTIE BRINKLEY! CAN YOU DEFINE LUNCH FOR ME, ONCE AND FOR ALL?

Lunch is a big huge salad with every color in it. From leafy greens to purple to herbs, fresh cut herbs mixed into it for flavors. I vary what I toss into it. Sometimes it might be lentils and chopped tomatoes, other days it could be garbanzo beans, some days I might have just a salad and have some lentil soup on the side.

-CB

I KNEW THAT ALREADY FROM WATCHING MY UNCLE CLEM FIXING TO MASTICATE HIS CORN

Some Carnivores Are Better Than Others at Unlocking Dinner

Dr. Holekamp said the findings add to evidence that intelligence is not one quality, and that different tasks depend on different parts of the brain and different abilities.

here

HILARY DUFF, INSECTIVORE

I ate a bug once. It was flying around me. I was trying to get it away. It went right in my mouth. It was so gross!

-HD 

KELLY RUTHERFORD DISCUSSES HER SKILL SET

I'm very good at ordering off the menu and eating food that other people cook for me.

-KR 

GEOPHAGY

Geophagy is the practice of eating earth or soil-like substrates such as clay or chalk.

HEY PIPPA! WHAT IN BLAZES SHOULD I DO WITH THESE GREEN THINGS?

Depending on what vegetables are in season, serve them freshly boiled or steamed on the side.

-PM

NYOTAIMORI

Nyotaimori is the Japanese practice of serving sashimi or sushi from the naked body of a woman.

WHAT THE HECK IS SEMLA?

King Adolf Frederick of Sweden ate himself to death in 1771: His last meal included lobster, caviar, cabbage, smoked herring, and Champagne, followed up by 14 servings of his favorite dessert, semla in hot milk.

HEY PIPPA! WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH ALL THESE GREEN THINGS?

Depending on what vegetables are in season, serve them freshly boiled or steamed on the side.

-PM

MARIO BATALI

MARIO'S HEAD:                 PIG HEAD:     

 

To eat the boiled head of a pig sliced like salami is very strange. It may seem cutting edge, but it's actually a lot older than any of the other traditional salami.

-MB

HEY PIPPA! THIS CHICKEN WON'T FIT IN MY POT!

You can cut up your chicken into portions consisting of the drumstick, thigh, breast and wing.

-PM