American Squirm

DUNNING-KROGER EFFECT STRIKES AGAIN

Chris Cuomo Recorded Profanely Defending Himself After Man Calls Him 'Fredo' While He's Out with His Family

CNN says anchor Chris Cuomo was recently drawn into a fiery altercation with a man who called him “Fredo,” provoking an argument that went viral — with President Donald Trump weighing in.

A roughly-two minute clip from the altercation, which began circulating via right-wing websites and personalities on Monday, shows Cuomo, 49, telling an unidentified man that the name was a slur for Italians and threatening him if he continues the fight.

“It’s an insult to your f—— people,” Cuomo says in the video, after asking the man’s group if any of them were also Italian. “It’s like the n-word for us. Is that a cool f—— thing?”

“Punk-ass bitches from the right call me ‘Fredo,’ ” he says. “My name is Chris Cuomo. I’m an anchor on CNN.”

the rest of the story

OR, THERE'S NO FOOL LIKE AN OLD FOOL

Bret Easton Ellis, the political outrage machine who has never voted for president

NEW YORK — Bret Easton Ellis wants you to know that he cares squat about politics. “I just cannot get that worked up over the absurdity of the president,” he sighs, “the absurdity of politics in general.”

Racist gasbag says what?

WHY IN THE NAME OF FUCKALL ARE WE SUBJECTED TO SUCH A CONSTANT BARRAGE OF NONSENSE FROM THIS MAN? DON'T WE GET ENOUGH HORSESHIT EVERY DAY FROM THE PRESIDENT AND HIS FLUNKIES?

Elon Musk: To avoid becoming like monkeys, humans must merge with machines

MUSK

 MONKEY

------------------------------------------------------

The ever optimistic Musk told Axios that upgrading human intelligence would start with planting a chip in someone’s head with “a bunch of tiny wires” with the goal of creating a hard drive for people’s brains.

FUTURE FELLOW:

where do I sign up?

 

HEY DAVID BROOKS! WHAT DO YOU PSEUDO INTELLECTUAL PONTIFICATORS DO FOR KICKS?

 A little while ago I went rug shopping.

-DB

here

RICK PERRY, UNBROKEN

You know a broken clock is right once a day. The bottom line is I'm still here, I'm still working.

-RP

MAYBE THEY COULD USE THE ROCKS IN HIS HEAD FOR THE FOUNDATION

Scott Walker: Wall On The Canada-US Border Is A Legitimate Issue

Republican presidential candidate and Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker said on Sunday that a wall along the border between the United States and Canada is a "legitimate issue" to consider.

here

MILES TELLER

I was thinking about that today, how I probably think I’m better-looking than the public thinks I am.

-MT

BUBBA WATSON, ON PARIS

I don’t know the names of all the things, the big tower, Eiffel Tower, an arch, whatever that—I rode around in a circle. And then what’s that—it starts with an L, Louvre, something like that. One of those.

-BW

RICK SANTORUM - ON WHAT MARRIAGE IS NOT

So when people come out and say that marriage is something else — marriage is the marriage of five people, five, 10, 20. Marriage can be between fathers and daughters. Marriage can be between any two people, any four people, any 10 people, it can be any kind of relationship and we can call it marriage.

But it doesn't make it marriage. Why? Because there are certain qualities and certain things that attach to the definition of what marriage is.

-RS

RAND PAUL, DOOFUS

 

I forgot to say I was only taking easy questions. I’m gonna pass on the age of the Earth. I think I’m just gonna have to pass on that one.

 

-RP

MARCO RUBIO, DOOFUS

 

Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.

 

-MR 

LANCE BURTON - ON FACING REALITY

I feel like I'm the luckiest person alive. I'm always waiting for that phone call: 'Hello. We've just realized you're really a no-talent hillbilly. We've made a horrible mistake and we'd like you to leave now.'

-LB 

CHRIS NOTH

I cannot explain something that no one has ever figured out.

-CN

MICHAEL CERA - ON PREMATURE SENESCENCE

Since I was 15 I've felt kinda like... an old man.

-MC

MARK ZUCKERBERG

The only meat I eat is from animals I've killed myself.

-MZ 

BILL NYE - ON EDUCATION

 

If you look back on all the teachers that you liked, I am sure you will find they were very entertaining.

-BN

PRINCE CHARLES

Do you seriously expect me to be the first Prince of Wales in history not to have a mistress?

-PC
 

LEONARDO DI CAPRIO

Everywhere I go, somebody is staring at me, I don't know if people are staring because they recognize me or because they think I'm a weirdo.

-LD

EDSEL FORD

They'll know you've arrived when you pull up in a '58 Edsel.

-EF

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The Edsel is most famous for being a marketing disaster. Indeed, the name "Edsel" became synonymous with commercial failure, and similar ill-fated products have often been colloquially referred to as "Edsels". Since the Edsel program was such a debacle, it gave marketers a vivid illustration of how not to market a product. The principal reason the Edsel's failure is so famous is that it failed despite Ford’s investment of $400,000,000 in its development.

The Edsel's most memorable design feature was its trademark "horsecollar" or toilet seat grille, which was quite distinct from other cars of the period. According to a popular joke at the time, the Edsel "resembled an Oldsmobile sucking a lemon". Some have speculated that the car failed to sell because its grille resembled a vulva.

tnb

CHARLES ATLAS

 

Nobody picks on a strong man.

-CA

EMERIL LAGASSE

Radishes grow just about anywhere. People think, 'Oh it's just a radish.' But radishes are delicious, and people don't think of cooking them.

-EL

SEPARATED AT BIRTH?

 

CHARLES MANSON                           BEAVER CLEAVER

AND I'VE NOT TALKED TO ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T THINK THAT CNN IS NOT THE WORSE EXCUSE FOR A NEWS NETWORK

DANA BASH

I've not talked to anybody here who doesn't think it's a very, very big possibility, even Republicans, that the government won't shut down—even for a short time.

IT'S TRUE. THEY DROPPED SOME ON MY COUSIN HARVEY AND NOW HE'S OUT OF HIS GOD DAMNED MIND.

Mich congressman calls for probe of mind-altering drugs falling from the sky

Congressman:                                                    Lunatic:    

While the nation debates whether to send U.S. missiles raining down on Syria, one Michigan congressman appears to be preoccupied with the possibility that the Air Force is dropping mind-altering chemicals from the skies onto the United States population.

                                                                                                                                                Kerry Bentivolio, the accidental congressman, recently told a town hall-style Republican gathering in Birmingham that he will call for an investigation, with Air Force participation, on the subject of “chemtrails.”                                                                         

gabba gabba hey

24 HOUR PARTY PERSON

Man hid in store overnight to huff air duster

A Newport man was arrested on multiple charges Sunday morning after Jonesboro police say he spent the night in a local store huffing air duster.

Just before 8 a.m. Officer Caleb Landreth was dispatched to  Kmart, 2010 South Caraway, regarding a suspicious person.

Employees told Landreth when they arrived at the store they found Robert Pry, 21, passed out in the storage room.

The store manager led the officer to the back room and pointed to a pair of feet sticking out from a cubby hole beneath some stairs.

Landreth said when Pry was “covered in vomit and urine.”

When asked what he was doing inside the store, Pry reportedly said “huffing.”

the more

HE WISHES

Anthony Weiner showed off a big Italian sausage at an Arthur Ave. Deli Saturday, agreeing to pose with the ample-sized meat on a campaign stop in the Bronx.

When the Democratic mayoral hopeful walked into Mike’s Deli, owner David Greco said he whipped out the sausage right away.

nydn 

RICHARD GERE

The secret of my success is my hairspray.

-RG

ELVIS COSTELLO

My ultimate vocation in life is to be an irritant.

-EC

Good job there.

-AS

JULIAN CASABLANCAS

Compared to people in Africa, I think we've all had privileged upbringings.

-JC

 

KOBE BRYANT

Everyone looks at your watch and it represents who you are, your values and your personal style.

-KB  

ROBIN WILLIAMS

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

-RW

more of these

RICHARD BRANSON

I believe in benevolent dictatorship provided I am the dictator.

-RB

WILL FERRELL

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

-WF

JOHNNY THUNDERS

A lot of people want to die for a lot of reasons.

-JT

CHRONOMENTROPHOBIA

The fear of clocks.

ALIA SHAWKAT

I think with the whole new Internet media, I'm not necessarily Internet savvy, but I just feel that the way that art in general will be presented to the public is going to be different.

-AS

THE DALAI LAMA

The Lama

The one-l lama,
He's a priest;
The two-l llama,
He's a beast.
And I will bet
A silk pajama
There isn't any
Three-l lllama.

Ogden Nash

TOM CRUISE

It's well known I'm a Scientologist, and that has helped me to find that inner peace in my life and it's something that has given me great stability and tools that I use.

-TC

TOBEY MAGUIRE

I might have some character traits that some might see as innocence or naive. That's because I discovered peace and happiness in my soul. And with this knowledge, I also see the beauty of human life.

-TM

ANTHONY BOURDAIN

I'm not afraid to look like an idiot.

-AB

MINDY KALING

I just have my characters say my controversial opinions and then hide behind them.

-MK

BILLY RAY: "AND I'M NOT THE WHITE KANYE WEST."

 

Miley Cyrus: "I'm not the white Nicki Minaj."

Miley Cyrus is telling Billboard that her change in musical direction is an attempt to avoid being pigeonholed into one genre.

“A lot of people wanted to try to make me the white Nicki Minaj,” Cyrus explained. “That’s not what I’m trying to do. I love ‘hood’ music, but my talent is as a singer.”

more spurious assertions

MICHAEL CERA

Acting is such a weird job.

-MC

MY UNCLE EB TOLD HIS WIFE THE SAME STORY. SHE DIDN'T FALL FOR IT THOUGH.

Alabama Lawmaker Reports Being Harassed By Exotic Dancers          

Alabama state Sen. Shadrack McGill, who you may remember announced earlier this year that he takes his reproductive health policy cues from “the Scripture alone,” is reportedly being harassed by women he believes are exotic dancers.

The women have allegedly been following him for quite some time, as McGill told AL.com on Tuesday: “During the [2010 legislative] campaign, we had two strippers come to my house at 1 o’clock in the morning. Me and my wife both got up to address the situation. They did inform me that they were strippers at a particular club in Huntsville.”

from Gilbert's brother

Someone said that Shadrack ran off without paying for his last lap dance. Apparently that's what started all the commotion.

ALLEN GINSBERG

 I want people to bow as they see me and say he is gifted with poetry, he has seen the presence of the creator. 

-AG

I WONDER WHAT EVIDENCE THEY HAVE

People Getting Dumber? Human Intelligence Has Declined Since Victorian Era, Research Suggests

Our technology may be getting smarter, but a provocative new study suggests human intelligence is on the decline. In fact, it indicates that Westerners have lost 14 I.Q. points on average since the Victorian Era.

how stupid must one be to go here for news

 

IT'S THIS GUY AND SHE'S TOO EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT IT

January Jones refuses to divulge the identity of her son's father

The 35-year-old single mother of 20-month-old Xander continues to refuse, in the face of rampant Hollywood gossip and speculation, to share the identity of her child's father. And why should she?

GAG ME WITH A SPOON

Donald and Nancy Featherstone

Here's one couple that will have you seeing double! Donald and Nancy Featherstone of Massachusetts have donned matching, his-and-her outfits every single day for the last 30 years, bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase "perfect match." 

nydn

 

 

ERIC BOGOSIAN

The world intrudes in my brain daily. Since my brain is dripping with all kinds of stuff that's out there in the world, that I can't seem to be able to shut out, it has to end up being in my work as well.

-EB

JOE SCARBOROUGH

 

I don't want to return to the past. I don't yearn for when I was 18 years old. I was in high school then. I had acne. I had a terrible hairdo. I'm sure I was sporting polyester pants.

-JS