American Squirm

HEY CRAIG CARTON! FYI: THEY MAY NOT APPRECIATE YOUR FANCY VOCABULARY IN THE BIG HOUSE. JUST SAYING

Ex-WFAN host Craig Carton's closing argument in Ponzi scheme trial: 'Money is fungible'

An attorney for former WFAN host Craig Carton pleaded for a jury to clear the fallen sports talk star Tuesday, saying he should be ashamed for lying to investors but arguing “money is fungible.”

Carton’s trial has featured evidence he manipulated emails to defraud investors in his plan to sell Barbra Streisand and Metallica concert tickets on the secondary market. Prosecutors say Carton took over $4 million in investors’ money and used it to repay gambling debts and other expenses

Hey Craig! I think you're going down. Wanna bet on it?

I BET HIS ARMS WILL BE VERY TIRED

This is my lifelong dream’: Japanese billionaire aims to fly to the moon

Yusaku Maezawa, a Japanese billionaire and art collector, will be SpaceX’s first private passenger to fly around the moon. Maezawa said he would invite six to eight artists to join him to create works that reflect their experiences for a project called Dear Moon.

Facebook Gave Data Access to Chinese Firm Flagged by U.S. Intelligence

Keep the enemy in the dark about where and when our forces will attack.

-MZ

What? Me worry?

-MZ

Facebook has data-sharing partnerships with at least four Chinese electronics companies, including a manufacturing giant that has a close relationship with China’s government, the social media company said on Tuesday.

ROCKET MEN

Jeff Bezos says he’ll spend the billions he's made through Amazon to help make space travel cheaper

Elon Musk claims Mars spaceships will be ready by NEXT YEAR but admits the first trips to the Red Planet will be risky

HEY SEAN SPICER! WHAT DO YOU CALL ZYLON B? AIR FRESHENER?

Hitler didn't even sink to using chemical weapons.

-SS

HEY SAMMY SOSA! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT CARTOGRAPHER?

When nobody knew who Chicago was, I put Chicago on the map.

-SS

roll over Jean Baptiste Point du Sable

I WONDER WHAT THEY HAVE IN STORE FOR US NEXT

WORST NOMINEE EVER:

WORST PRESIDENT EVER:

 

 

IT DOESN'T TAKE A WEATHERMAN TO KNOW WHICH WAY THE WIND IS BLOWING, BUT APPARENTLY MALIGNANT FUCKWITS HAVEN'T GOTTEN THE NEWS. PART 2

Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh suggested this week that the National Hurricane Center was “playing games” with its forecasts to cause false alarms and scare people into believing in climate change. 

It’s in the interest of the left to have destructive hurricanes because then they can blame it on climate change, which they can desperately continue trying to sell.

HEY MIKE DAVIS! HOW COME YOU NEVER RETURN THE GANG' S GREETINGS?

Do not speak to me when you see me. If I want to speak to you, I will do so. I want to save my throat. I don’t want to ruin it by saying hello to all of you.

-MD

here

HEY MIKE LOVE! GOT ANY ASTROLOGY MUMBO-JUMBO TO BUTTRESS YOUR RIDICULOUS CLAIMS ABOUT BEING A BETTER SONG WRITER THAN BRIAN WILSON?

I’m a Pisces, and Brian, a Gemini; and it is said that a Pisces writes out of inspiration while a Gemini writes out of desperation.

-ML

HEY BRIAN WILLIAMS! ARE YOU COVERING A POLITICAL CONVENTION OR ATTENDING A TEN YEAR OLD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?

There's no shame in stealing - any actor who says he doesn't is lying. You steal from everything.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/b/benedictcu551405.html

Oh! Look at the balloons loaded up there. See those huge webbed netted bags of balloons for the big balloon drop. You got the big white ones, and then you've got red white and blue.

-BW

HEY MIKE PENCE! CAN YOU PROVE YOU'RE AN IDIOT IN 1O WORDS OR LESS?

Time for a quick reality check. Smoking doesn’t kill.

-MP

here

TRUMP TELLS THE TRUTH! (HE JUST NEEDS TO WORK ON HIS PUNCTUATION.)

Trump: No, Hispanics love me!

Truth: No Hispanics love me.

here

A PUZZLING STORY: WHERE DOES ONE FIND A PAY PHONE THESE DAYS?

Gay YouTube personality allegedly faked own assault, hitting himself in head with pay phone

the dopey details

JAMES BUCHANAN

Buchanan's indifference to educational issues was demonstrated by his veto of a bill passed by Congress to create more colleges, for he believed that "there were already too many educated people."

HEY JON VOIGHT! GOT ANY RIDICULOUS POLITICAL NOTIONS YOU'D CARE TO SHARE WITH US?

 

I think the word ‘progressive’ is a very devious term. It was created as a substitute for ‘communist. What they propose is the reverse of progress. It’s something that does taste of communism and Karl Marx’s pernicious philosophy.

-JV

here

HEY STEVE WYNN! WHY DON'T YOU EVER COME OVER?

Nobody likes being around poor people.

-SW

here

HEY BLUE JAYS MANAGER JOHN GIBBONS! HOW WILL YOU COPE WITH LOSING BECAUSE OF THE CHASE UTLEY RULE? SURELY NOT WITH A RETROGRADE SEXIST NEANDERTHAL TYPE OF COMMENT, I HOPE.

Maybe we’ll come out wearing dresses tomorrow. Maybe that’s what everybody’s looking for.

-JG

HEY SEPP BLATTER, PRESIDENT OF FIFA! HOW CAN WE IMPROVE WOMEN'S SOCCER?

Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball. They could, for example, have tighter shorts.

-SB

here

HEY NOVAK DJOKOVIC! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT WOMEN?

Their bodies are much different to men’s bodies. They have to go through a lot of different things that we don’t have to go through. You know, the hormones and different stuff. We don’t need to go into details.

-ND

here

HEY ROGER GOODELL! HOW CONCERNED ARE YOU ABOUT THE MOUNTING EVIDENCE THAT PLAYING FOOTBALL LEADS TO BRAIN DAMAGE AND EARLY DEATH?

 

There is risk in life. There is risk in sitting on the couch.

-RG

HEY MISCHA BARTON! WHAT'S WITH THE HANGDOG EXPRESSION?

The truth is pretty people aren't as accepted as other people. It comes with all these stigmas.

-MB 

HEY CHARLIE BROWN! GOT ANY RESOLUTIONS?

 

You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

-CB

DIMWIT MAKES DIMWITTED STATEMENT

The sound of our guns is the sound of freedom!

-JB

here

DONOVAN McNABB - ON HIS SECOND DUI ARREST

There was a story that was released, and I want everybody to be cognizant of it, because I am very aware of it, handling the matter at this particular point. But at this point, I have no further information, and as we continue on with the situation, then we’ll let it handle as it will handle itself.

-DM

deadspin

JESSICA SIMPSON - ON THAI FOOD

It's kind of a ritual for them to eat these bugs because it does speed up their metabolism... I can't even eat salmon.

-JS

AL MICHAELS

To this day, I've never eaten a vegetable.

-AM

page 3

APRIL FOOLS

 JOHN WAYNE

I believe in white supremacy until blacks are educated to a point of responsibility.

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MEL GIBSON

Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.

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JOHN MAYER

My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f*ckin' David Duke cock.

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PARIS HILTON

I can't stand black guys. I would never touch one. It's  gross.

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MIKE HUCKABEE - MADE IN GOD'S IMAGE

If  you want to believe that you and your family came from apes, that’s fine. I’ll accept that. I just don’t happen to think that I did.

-MH

SCOTT WALKER - ON WHETHER HE BELIEVES IN EVOLUTION

I'm going to punt on that one.

-SW

CHRIS MATTHEWS - ON HIS LITERARY BONA FIDES

Did you see me on the Today show? I quoted F. Scott Fitzgerald. I think I'm the only guy around who quotes F. Scott Fitzgerald on the Today show.

-CM

page 37

KRISTIN CAVALLARI

I don't shop online. I'm always scared to put my credit card on the Internet!

-KC 

JONATHAN BERNIER - ON NELSON MANDELA

He’s one of the most known athletes in the world. He had a lot of impact in any kind of sport that he did. Even playing hockey…everyone knows him right? From being the kind of person he was off the ice and on the ice.

-JB

here

MAX BAER, JR. - ON HIS BEVERLY HILLBILLIES DAYS

I was crazy in many ways, mostly because of drinking and drugs. I would blow my stack and turn over camera carts and break up sets. It was all the success, money, fame, youth and stupidity. Other than that I was fine!

I don't even remember half of it. I'd pick up an airline stewardess at night and have some other girl meet me in my dressing room the next day. I was out of my mind.

-MB

who would ever interview this guy

VICTORIA BECKHAM - ON HER AUTOBIOGRAPHY AND ITS PROVENANCE

It's straight from the horse's mouth. Not that I'm saying I'm a horse.

VB

 

LARRY KING - ON THE RADIO

When I was 5 years old I would lie in bed, look at the radio, and I wanted to be on the radio. I don't know why.

-LK

ELVIS COSTELLO - ANTHROPOLOGIST

 

We're all just animals. That's all we are, and everything else is just an elaborate justification of our instincts. That's where music comes from. And romantic poetry. And bad novels.
 

-EC

JOE THEISMAN - HUMANITARIAN

I was very proud to play for the Washington Redskins, and I did it to honor Native people in that regard.

-JT

HE ALSO NOTED THAT THE MOON IS MADE OF GREEN CHEESE

Ferguson Mayor: 'There's Not A Racial Divide In Ferguson'

"There's not a racial divide in the city of Ferguson," Mayor James Knowles said Tuesday in an interview on MSNBC's "NewsNation" with Tamron Hall. "That is the perspective of all residents in our city. Absolutely."

here

HERBERT HOOVER

All men are equal before fish.

-HH

KRISTIN CAVALLARI - MATH ILLITERATE

 I own a lot of shoes; I am not sure how many.

-KC

ALEX TIZON - MEASURING MAN

Like every young man in the Western Hemisphere, I had put a ruler to my penis, hoping to get a read on my place in the world order.

-AT

For his sake, I hope the two fingers he's holding up aren't his findings.

JOE SCARBOROUGH - ON TECHNOLOGY

Even I know if you have a hard drive and you can't find an email, you can get a little nerd to come in and they can find it for you.

-JS

RICK PERRY - THEOLOGIAN

I'm more Jewish than you think I am. I read the part of the Bible that said the Jews are God's chosen people.

-RP

BUCK MULLIGAN

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed.

JOE NAMATH

I'm always gonna be Joe Namath, and I'm not running from that.

-JN

AMERICAN SQUIRM SAYS CALIFORNIA TOWN MAYOR NEEDS TO 'GROW A BRAIN'

California town mayor says bullying victims need to ‘grow a pair’

The best way to combat bullying? The mayor of a small California town apparently thinks the answer is to become one himself.

Cameron Hamilton, the mayor of Porterville, Calif. reportedly told a City Council meeting that bullying victims need only to “grow a pair” to help themselves.

bully news

MIKE FRANCESA ON THE JOYS AND RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE NEW FATHER

What are you going to do? I mean you are going to sit there and look at your wife in a hospital bed for two days? Your wife doesn’t need your help the first couple of days; you know that you’re not doing much the first couple days with the baby that was just born.

I guarantee you are not sitting there holding your wife’s hand. . . . I had three kids.  I was at the birth and was back to work the next day. I didn’t see any reason not to be working. Harrison (Francesa’s son) was born at nine in the morning. I worked that day. What was I gonna do, sit with my wife in the hospital?

 

-MF

 

the rest

ONE TRICK PONY

Man Serves 15 Years, Robs Same Store After Release

Police say a man walked out of a New Jersey prison after serving 15 years for robbing a children's shoe store, headed straight back to the same shop and robbed it again. 

 

In 1999, 25-year-old Christopher Miller was arrested after he forced employees into the back room of the Stride Rite shoe store on Hooper Avenue in Toms River, tied them up and fled with cash.

 

After a 15-year sentence, Miller was released on Friday from South Woods State Prison in Bridgeton.

 

Police say Miller, now 40, took a bus from Atlantic City to Toms River on Saturday, and went to the same shoe store.

 

cont.

BOB WOODWARD - ON IGNORANCE

The central dilemma in journalism is that you don't know what you don't know.

-BW